I’ve had my fair share of break-ups. I don’t claim that I’ve been a good bloke through them at all times. But I believe that I’ve been able to express my sadness, disappointment and pain in a healthy way, rather than it being destructive of self, or another. At least sometimes…
This isn’t a conclusive list, these are simple strategies I’ve used over the course of some difficult break-ups. It is written with the expectation that you can no longer continue the relationship with your ex. That you have have diverged paths and you have determined that your new path does not include her**.
Hold a Wake for the Relationship
I know it sounds strange but you are grieving.
Acknowledge the change. Acknowledge your friends and the support they have given both of you over the years. Thank your ex for all that she has given to the relationship.
This will shift your mentality from being a victim, to being in control of your future. This really shifted things for me.
Breathe
It sounds simple but you’d be surprised how well this actually works. Each day, stop and take three breaths.
Breath 1
Breathe in and think ‘why the fuck am I doing this?’.
Breathe out.
Breath 2
Breathe in… Notice Nature.
Is it the breeze on your face, a bird flying past, the shape of the shadows across the street? Notice Nature.
Breathe out.
Breath 3
Breathe in, and Smile.
Breathe out and say your mantra. Mine is ‘You’re gonna be OK mate’
Find your own mantra
Be Your Own Best Mate
A best mate will build you up when you’re feeling flat
A best mate will support you when you’re falling over
A best mate will call your bullshit
Learn to be your own best mate because the pain is too easy to latch onto as confirmation of your uselessness. But a best mate wouldn’t let you think that about yourself. A best mate would tell you “You’re Great!”
Best mates are useful. Be your own best mate.
Some People will Disappear, that’s OK
Sure, you will lose some friends in a break-up. Every relationship will shift a little. Some friends may back off completely. Try not to read into it as losing their friendship.
Just because people back away at different times, doesn’t mean they are shit friends. Often, your situation reminds them of pain from their past.
People will pop in and out at different times. Accept that they have their own shit that they’re dealing with. Accept that this is difficult for everyone.
Anger is Strong because Love is
Anger is often an expression of sadness. The anger and pain that you feel is strong because your love is. I use ‘is’ intentionally. Because love doesn’t just disappear due to pain. Love is something we grow out of. But it never leaves us. I will always have love for her, but that does not mean I am inlove with her.
As I have grown out of my love, so too I have grown out of my anger.
Use the 24 Hour Rule
Undoubtedly you’ll write a ‘last message’ or ‘final correspondence’. A hate-filled monologue, detailing all of the things that she did wrong and chronologically outlining the pain that she has caused you.
I know that moment, when anger is pulsing through your veins and your fingers are quivering, eager to hit SEND. At that moment… Stop.
Give it 24 hours.
And tomorrow, re-read what you’ve written and edit it with fresh eyes. Why? Because Rule Number 5.
Find a Healthy Expression of Anger
Sometimes the pain of a break-up can be encapsulating. Having a healthy expression of anger allows you to step out of that capsule and get some perspective, even if only briefly.
For me, it was exercising hard. It was certainly escapism, but it gave me a break and an ability to get away and focus on one thing for a period of time that wasn’t my own pain or sadness.
Build a Team Around You
Just like Fantasy Football, you need to build a team. Select people for a particular role you want them to play. I had the following:
Exercise Buddy
Friendly advisor on Women — a woman
Friendly advisor on Women — a bloke
Positive-support-only Buddy — aka the Yes Man
Proof reader — of all messages to my ex
Someone who’s just as angry at her as I was
Party Buddy
Coffee Buddy
Some people didn’t know that this was their role. They probably still don’t. But it is important to surround yourself with people that will support you through such a difficult experience. These people lifted me up when I couldn’t be my own best mate.
Let Go of Perfectionism
You’ll note that the title of this list states 10 ways to be a good bloke. However this is the last point. Point 9. Let go of this list being perfect, and giving you everything you need. Because this list won’t. Neither will any other list. Unfortunately, going through a break-up is messy. You see sides of people that you didn’t know existed. People that you love. It is a shock.
You try to make sense of something that isn’t sensible. You try to understand the story of ‘how did this happen?’ but you will never know the full story. You have to accept that. Nothing will be perfect in your break-up. Life isn’t perfect and as humans, we don’t act perfectly.
Have forgiveness for yourself, for your ex, for everyone involved.
Life can be a strenuous and painful experience at times. But pressure creates diamonds. Right now you are being tested to see what you are made of. You can get past this, there is better things on the other side for you.
If all else fails, just start watching this Youtube channel
—
I dedicate this for my friend B.
We only knew each other for moments. But we had remarkably similar stories. We shared our pains, we shared stories of loss, we shared laughs, we shared a coconut.
B took his life in 2016. I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish he was still here to help me write this list.
As a bloke, one of the most difficult things I have found is to start talking about when I am struggling. My self-judgement seems too great to overcome. As if I’m admitting weakness and defeat by just talking about my challenges. It feels all too difficult.
However once I started talking, my life changed for the better. A problem shared, is a problem halved.
Life is a journey that we walk on our own, but it does not mean we are alone. There is a distinct difference.
Keep talking. I’m listening.
** I write ‘her’ simply because I have only broken up from heterosexual relationships and I do not wish to pretend to speak on behalf of other sexual orientations.
